Lie Much?

Okay, this blog might be controversial, particularly with other therapists, but here goes….

I believe that lying, to self and others, and being lied to is the fundamental reason why people end up in therapy.

Husbands have affairs and don’t tell wives the real reasons why. (“You gained weight.” “You won’t have sex with me often enough.” “You spend too much of my money.” “I’m too scared to talk about how I really feel and maybe this (affair) will make you throw me out so I don’t have to.”)

Wives have affairs and don’t tell husbands the real reasons why. (Ditto all the above)

People come to therapy ostensibly to work on their relationships with family members but aren’t willing to be honest, either with their therapist or ultimately their family members/parents, about their experience of growing up in their families and how this impacted them.

Women won’t tell men what they really like and don’t like about having sex

Men won’t risk telling women what really turns them on

Men and Women leave husbands and wives rather than hurt their feelings and tell them the truth about their diminished interest and hurt feelings about the state of their marriages.

Adolescents act out and lie to their parents to avoid the consequence of their actions.

Adult siblings who harbor long-time lies about events in their relationships would rather put up with diminished emotional connection and intimacy rather than ‘fess up to their deceptions.

People lie, cheat and steal their way through life and won’t authentically tolerate the release that comes from finally being real and getting honest.

Parents won’t be honest with their children about the mistakes they made.

Children won’t be honest to their parents about their mistakes.

People even (gasp!) lie to their therapists.

In fact, people even lie about lying. Here are some of the lies they tell:

“It was a white lie.”
“It was the partial truth.”
“It would kill him if I told him the truth and I’m hiding the truth to save his feelings.”
“I didn’t lie. I just didn’t say anything when asked.”
“I’m not an habitual liar. I just lie when I need to.”
“I don’t lie. I just withhold.”

Lying to yourself and lying to others causes:

**Stress (anxiety, elevated blood pressure, coronary problems, etc.)

**Depression and lethargy

**Exhaustion (due to the amount of tap-dancing you have to do to prevent the truth from being revealed!)

**Feelings of inauthenticity in yourself and in the people you’re lying to

**Distance and emotional disconnect in personal relationships

**An inability to really take the reins in your own life and assume responsibility for how you would truly like to live the rest of your life

**People to feel manipulated and deceived

Here’s my recommendation for folks who lie (that’s all of us by the way!):

**Read Dr. Brad Blanton’s book, “Radical Honesty: How to transform your life by telling the truth.”

**When you’ve done that, read, “Practicing Radical Honesty: How to Complete the Past, Live in the Present and Build the Future with a Little Help From Your Friends,” also by Dr. Brad Blanton. (www.RadicalHonesty.com)

**Start telling people in your life the truth and be willing to face the consequences and get real

**Tell your therapist the truth. This means all the places you hide, lie, deceive and manipulate the facts about your life in order to prevent your therapist from seeing the real you. He or she can’t help you if you hide yourself in a web of dishonesty and deception. Take a risk and find the truth.