After the Vows, the Reality!

Yesterday I received a call from a writer called Rebecca Delany. She was working on an article for “Elegant Wedding” magazine, put out by the same folks who give us the illustrious “Boston Magazine.” Ms. Delany left a message asking if I would be willing to talk with her about the feelings of let-down and depression that brides feel after the excitement of their wedding day has passed. This was an interesting topic and it got me thinking. I suspect that it's not just brides who have this feeling, but is something that crosses gender.

Anyway, the fact is that usually by the time I see couples, the wedding day has long since passed and disillusionment and unhappiness have well and truly set in. While I have occasionally been called upon to do Pre-Marital counseling, by and large couples appear to wait until they are in crisis before pursuing the horrors of couples’ therapy. Oh, how much easier my job would be if they came in to see me before walking down the aisle, going through their commitment ceremonies, moving in together or having their first child!

The decision to join your life with that of another, regardless of one’s gender or sexual orientation, whether you seal your commitment with a wedding ceremony, a commitment ceremony or a civil union, heralds the beginning of a whole new challenge for a couple. Weddings and ceremonies are very exciting and usually drenched in romantic imagery and symbolic gestures. Physically exhausting to plan and carry out and emotionally exhausting to organize and participate in, for most people our expectation is that our happiness will come about as a result of our marriage, that there is something inherently magical in the wedding itself that will act as a talisman in protecting couples as they begin their marital or committed relationships.

While this is the myth of the power of the wedding, the reality is far removed from the myth. To start with, given that the divorce rate has climbed over the last 30 years, I can confidently make the assumption that more and more of the young adults currently walking down the aisle or having commitment ceremonies, are the product of divorced parents. A parental relationship full of conflict, unrealistic and unmet expectations is often the template that couples use when starting with their own marriages. We are unprepared for what a marriage really means, and unskilled in how to cope with the reality of sharing our life with another person. Our own parents created the blueprint and the backdrop for our expectations, both good and bad, for what could come our way as a result of joining our life with that of a romantic other. So, there’s marriage and then there’s long-term healthy marital relationships. In order to have the latter, you need to fully understand what marriage is about, develop some skills so that you can engage honestly in your relationship and be willing to put some work into the relationship.

So, the wedding is over. And you may have the blahs. Here’s a list of things I recommend that you think about or do as a couple:

1. Exhaustion is very common following a ceremony of such magnitude. The frenzy leading up to the ceremony itself means emotional and physical challenges, including arguments with family members over who will and will not be attending; differences of opinion over what the philosophy and theme of the wedding will be; arguments over clothing; competitiveness between family members for speeches, etc.; late nights and sleepless nights. So, once the wedding is over, take it easy. Get lots of sleep. Eat healthy, nutritious food, exercise enough to keep your blood pumping, do de-stressing kinds of activities (yoga, meditation, listening to music, strolling in the woods or park, reading quietly). Stress and exhaustion leads to depleted immune systems, so take steps now to look after yourselves so that you can recover adequately from the wedding before you catch the first virus that comes along!

2. One of the things that people often say after the wedding is over and the front door has closed, is that there is a feeling of “let down.” The rose-colored limelight shines brightly on a couple while they’re taking their vows. But once the cameras have stopped snapping, once the videos have been taken, it’s back to reality. Be kind to yourself during this period. Find ways to honestly talk with your partner about how you’re feeling – they probably feel something similar. Take time out to do things that make you feel good about yourself and to find ways to make your new partner feel good about themselves too.

3. If you haven’t already sought pre-marital therapy, look into post-marital therapy. Suggest to your partner that the two of you see a therapist in order to learn some skills that will help you over rough spots, before the rough spots have developed. If you are readers, ask for recommendations for good books (I recommend anything by John Gottman, Ph.D and David Schnarch as great places to start. Gottman gives a great series of questionnaires that provide couples with endless amounts of useful information that they need to know about each other, and the pitfalls in relationships that Gottman discusses can happen in any relationship.) Read the books out loud to each other and discuss the ideas that they contain. Don’t be lazy about this. Relationships take work. In fact ALL relationships take work, it’s just that marriages take even more work than any other relationship.

4. Take the time to develop your routine together. For couples who have gone from living alone to living with their partner, there is a huge upheaval in their lives. It takes time to iron out differences of opinion, to figure out who is responsible for what household tasks, to develop a family life that is a unique blend of where both partners came from. Don't expect this to happen over night It takes years to build a couple.

5. If you haven’t already had the conversation, start to talk about what it means to be a couple. It's surprising how different people's definitions can be. For example, do you expect to spend every minute together or do you value friendships and separate interests and activities, alongside your intimate relationship? If you aren’t a joined-at-the-hip couple, just how much time do you envisage spending together. Every night? Every other night? All weekend? Check in by phone once, twice three times daily? How much contact is too much? What does this mean to you? Is the idea of faithfulness central to your idea of coupledom? How will you decide what is private and what is shared between the two of you? Do you have a sense of shared and individual goals for you and your partner? What are they? Do they differ? What is your plan for incorporating any differences into this relationship? Are you planning on having children? Who will be the primary caretaker? What are your feelings about divorce? Who divorced in your family and why? What are your partner’s thoughts on keeping a marriage vibrant? How will you handle big differences in opinion? In what ways are you able to receive and show love in this relationship? (For some couples, physical gestures such as making morning coffee, cooking meals, etc communicate love. Others prefer romantic and affectional physical actions, such as hugging, kisses, sending cards, surprise notes, etc.) Make sure that you each know what these are.

6. Talk about sex for hours and make sure to eradicate secrecy over sex. Talk with your partner fully and honestly, disclosing everything about your sexual history. Be prepared to be clear about what you’ve done, who you did it with, what you liked and what you didn’t/don’t like. Don’t ever fake enjoying sex. If your partner sucks in the bedroom, gently tell him or her. I’ve known clients who would rather lie about their partner’s ability to satisfy them sexually and then leave the relationship, than be willing to talk about what is unsatisfactory and fix the problems with some honest communication.

7. Start right from the beginning with a conversation about money and work, as this is one place where couples tend to come unglued. What is your family’s history with money? What messages were you given about money as you were growing up? Did your parents fight over money? What is your personal relationship like with money? Does it run through your fingers like sand? Do you horde away every penny you make? Is long-term financial stability important to you or do you have a “live for the moment” attitude about your finances? In what way will your attitudes mesh and/or conflict with those of your partner? Is your career important to you? What do you value most about your work life? Do you plan to always work? Weddings and commitment ceremonies can cost a great deal of money, and many couples begin their committed lives together in debt. Make sure to take time to talk about how you as a couple will tackle this issue.

We like to think that love is enough. It’s not. Most of the couples who come to see me for therapy are in crisis. They aren’t in my office because they don’t love each other, but because they can’t figure out their way around the relationship dynamic that has become so problematic for them. If you are pro-active in working on your relationship, you may not have to reach this point.