Before the Wedding
I seem to be becoming the "expert" on Wedding Day jitters! I was just interviewed again for an article on Wedding Day Discord, for "Elegant Wedding" magazine. So, here are my thoughts on how to survive family discord at weddings. In fact just recently, a young couple has been coming to see me for pre-marital counseling. Among other issues they wanted to talk about was the anxiety and tension that was continually surfacing over mounting family discord (on both sides of the bridal couple) during the planning of the wedding, and how this was affecting the couple as their wedding day draws nigh. While therapy can be, and often is, a deeper examination of the origins of one person's complex inter- and intra-psychic issues, three weeks before the wedding is probably not the time to do critical or long term psychological digging. This is the time for understanding, solution-focused dialogue, clarity and clear-cut pragmatics.
Let's face it - weddings require huge amounts of preparation and planning around family and personalities, especially if the couple come from very different family backgrounds. Any time you bring together two groups of people with differing opinions on marriage, religion, culture and values, there's the potential for sparks to fly!
Problems? What problems?
For a start, in view of the divorce statistics, there is a high probability that the in-laws are separated, divorced or remarried which presents the problem of multiple combination of parental couples and dynamics, all with opinions and thoughts on how they would like their role in the wedding preparations and ceremony to play out. Here in Massachusetts where same-sex marriage is (happily) legal, homophobia will often rear its ugly head in the planning of the wedding and decisions over the presence of family members who will undermine the joy of the event creates a dilemma for couples.
There's a distinct chance that the couple, and therefore their families, represent different religious, ethnic/cultural backgrounds. Oftentimes, long simmering family feuds raise their ugly heads at weddings, with the specter of emotional clashes and uncomfortable disagreements arising on what the couple hopes will be their special day. Weddings also bring up social class issues and differing opinions and beliefs about money and how much or how little is available and how it should be spent. There are often disagreements, spoken and (often more dangerously) unspoken about how the wedding should be organized and how traditional or non-traditional it should be. In other words, weddings are potential powder kegs of family discord, and much of the anxiety created by bringing families together invariably ends up being carried by the couple.
What choices can a couple make and how can pre-marital therapy help?
The number one most crucial aspect of planning a wedding where there is a potential for family discord is communication between the couple. Marital therapists, trained in family systems and experts on family dynamics, are well placed to guide couples through the swirling vortex of pre-marital confusion. Marital therapists know that if the couple aren't on the same page, chances of smooth sailing become less likely. Now is the time to get to grips with the wedding day issues as a couple, being clear on the problems that each half of the couple has identified, being respectful of each person's fears and anxieties and being clear on the direction you are going to take together, and how you will communicate this resolve to family members. As an impartial observer, marital therapists can provide outside-the-box thinking on how to approach family challenges. One of the things that I usually suggest is that the couple create a "wedding support system" - one or more people from outside the couple's respective families, who are the designated "go to" folks for complaints and/or conflicts during the planning of the wedding. I typically suggest that this person or team is present at the couple's conflict-resolution planning sessions, either with me present, or in the planning the couple does outside therapy, so that everybody is clear on how the couple intends to approach potential or actual family conflict.
Weddings bring up people's romantic hopes and longings. For those relatives present whose marriages did not endure, weddings bring up feelings of sadness, of hopes, dashed, and bitter-sweet memories of their own weddings. Unless you are lucky enough to live in Massachusetts, USA, Canada or Spain, you are probably not living in a country or place that allows same-sex couples to marry, so if you are a gay or lesbian wedding attendee, weddings can be painful reminders of how you are denied access to such ceremonies due to civil rights issues. The wedding support team, as well as the couple themselves, can help smooth ruffled feathers by taking the time and being willing to listen to people's thoughts, hurt feelings and disappointments. But then calmly, but respectfully explaining their choices. Establishing a clear boundary that this is your wedding day and and that you retain the right to at all times reflect your choices and desires is important.
If the wedding is uniting two families of different religious or ethnic backgrounds, ask the families to submit a list of three religious symbols or ethnic/cultural customs that are important to them and then ask if they would be willing to have you pick the one that fits best with your wedding. This helps families feel that their beliefs and values are important and included.
Find an area of organization that family members can co-create, i.e. a table with a joint family album, or framed photographs from both sides of the family. The symbolism of having all these photographs on the same table or united in the same album will not go unnoticed as a statement by the couple and can be a strong symbol of unity that is effective in framing the wedding as a bridge to a new beginning.
I usually tell folks to get creative! If folks are fighting about who is going to walk down the aisle, have ALL parents walk! If you can't come up with a solution alone, consider taking representatives of each family for a family therapy appointment with a licensed marriage and family therapist. We are trained to handle a room full of disappointed and possibly irate people (and I have found that most people can agree to disagree if it's just for one afternoon!!) Bear in mind that for a formal wedding, seating arrangements can be made so that the paths of warring factions don't cross. I also usually remind the couple that the officiant at their wedding should be apprised of the situation if there are dissenting factions. Even if they don't have specific recommendations on how to handle the situation, they will at least be aware of the tensions and can better support the couple on their special day.
Let's face it - weddings require huge amounts of preparation and planning around family and personalities, especially if the couple come from very different family backgrounds. Any time you bring together two groups of people with differing opinions on marriage, religion, culture and values, there's the potential for sparks to fly!
Problems? What problems?
For a start, in view of the divorce statistics, there is a high probability that the in-laws are separated, divorced or remarried which presents the problem of multiple combination of parental couples and dynamics, all with opinions and thoughts on how they would like their role in the wedding preparations and ceremony to play out. Here in Massachusetts where same-sex marriage is (happily) legal, homophobia will often rear its ugly head in the planning of the wedding and decisions over the presence of family members who will undermine the joy of the event creates a dilemma for couples.
There's a distinct chance that the couple, and therefore their families, represent different religious, ethnic/cultural backgrounds. Oftentimes, long simmering family feuds raise their ugly heads at weddings, with the specter of emotional clashes and uncomfortable disagreements arising on what the couple hopes will be their special day. Weddings also bring up social class issues and differing opinions and beliefs about money and how much or how little is available and how it should be spent. There are often disagreements, spoken and (often more dangerously) unspoken about how the wedding should be organized and how traditional or non-traditional it should be. In other words, weddings are potential powder kegs of family discord, and much of the anxiety created by bringing families together invariably ends up being carried by the couple.
What choices can a couple make and how can pre-marital therapy help?
The number one most crucial aspect of planning a wedding where there is a potential for family discord is communication between the couple. Marital therapists, trained in family systems and experts on family dynamics, are well placed to guide couples through the swirling vortex of pre-marital confusion. Marital therapists know that if the couple aren't on the same page, chances of smooth sailing become less likely. Now is the time to get to grips with the wedding day issues as a couple, being clear on the problems that each half of the couple has identified, being respectful of each person's fears and anxieties and being clear on the direction you are going to take together, and how you will communicate this resolve to family members. As an impartial observer, marital therapists can provide outside-the-box thinking on how to approach family challenges. One of the things that I usually suggest is that the couple create a "wedding support system" - one or more people from outside the couple's respective families, who are the designated "go to" folks for complaints and/or conflicts during the planning of the wedding. I typically suggest that this person or team is present at the couple's conflict-resolution planning sessions, either with me present, or in the planning the couple does outside therapy, so that everybody is clear on how the couple intends to approach potential or actual family conflict.
Weddings bring up people's romantic hopes and longings. For those relatives present whose marriages did not endure, weddings bring up feelings of sadness, of hopes, dashed, and bitter-sweet memories of their own weddings. Unless you are lucky enough to live in Massachusetts, USA, Canada or Spain, you are probably not living in a country or place that allows same-sex couples to marry, so if you are a gay or lesbian wedding attendee, weddings can be painful reminders of how you are denied access to such ceremonies due to civil rights issues. The wedding support team, as well as the couple themselves, can help smooth ruffled feathers by taking the time and being willing to listen to people's thoughts, hurt feelings and disappointments. But then calmly, but respectfully explaining their choices. Establishing a clear boundary that this is your wedding day and and that you retain the right to at all times reflect your choices and desires is important.
If the wedding is uniting two families of different religious or ethnic backgrounds, ask the families to submit a list of three religious symbols or ethnic/cultural customs that are important to them and then ask if they would be willing to have you pick the one that fits best with your wedding. This helps families feel that their beliefs and values are important and included.
Find an area of organization that family members can co-create, i.e. a table with a joint family album, or framed photographs from both sides of the family. The symbolism of having all these photographs on the same table or united in the same album will not go unnoticed as a statement by the couple and can be a strong symbol of unity that is effective in framing the wedding as a bridge to a new beginning.
I usually tell folks to get creative! If folks are fighting about who is going to walk down the aisle, have ALL parents walk! If you can't come up with a solution alone, consider taking representatives of each family for a family therapy appointment with a licensed marriage and family therapist. We are trained to handle a room full of disappointed and possibly irate people (and I have found that most people can agree to disagree if it's just for one afternoon!!) Bear in mind that for a formal wedding, seating arrangements can be made so that the paths of warring factions don't cross. I also usually remind the couple that the officiant at their wedding should be apprised of the situation if there are dissenting factions. Even if they don't have specific recommendations on how to handle the situation, they will at least be aware of the tensions and can better support the couple on their special day.
posted by Jassy @ 4:41 AM
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