Hard Hats and Lingerie in Chicago

Dear Jassy:

Okay, so this is embarrassing and humiliating. But I don't know who else to write to or talk about this with.

I work on a big construction site in Chicago. With the exception of a few girls who got hired on, it's me and a few hundred guys all putting this huge thing up, girder by girder. It's tough work, and sometimes it's dangerous. We all, girls included, wear hard hats, jeans and T shirts in the summer, and then switch out and add in flannel shirts and thick vests in the winter. Unlike all the other guys, I am not wearing boxers or Y fronts under my jeans, but women's lingerie.

I live in fear that I will have an accident and have to be rushed to hospital in an ambulance as they cut off my jeans and find my thong underwear. I sometimes have premonitions as I'm crossing over the construction site that something's going to happen, and find myself flinching. But I can't stop dressing up for work. I'm sure nobody would ever guess, as I'm Mr. Super Macho Man, swaggering around belching and farting like all the rest of the guys. It's not really me.

I'm not gay, I'm really not. I went through a phase where I was scared that I was and looked at some gay male porno just to see. It just looked painful and funny to me. Don't get me wrong - I don't have anything against homosexual men (or women either). I like women, and get turned on by women. But I don't tend to stick in relationships for long, because it's hard to hide the fact that I "dress." I've done this since I was a kid - used to wait until my mother would leave the house and then go look through her cupboards and drawers. It's kind of like I feel all the pieces of the jigsaw fit together right when I'm dressed in women's clothes.

I guess I don't exactly know what my question is. I feel like a screw-up. I'm tired of living with this constant fear of being found out. Got any suggestions?

Signed: Hard hat and a thong in Chicago

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Dear Mr. Hard Hat:

First off, I have heard stories similar to yours from men working on construction sites, so it is not as unusual as you might think. Like many crossdressers, you have picked an extremely manly profession - one in which nobody would ever suspect you of being anything less than completely manly, a "man's man," a masculine man! Interestingly, researchers estimate that approximately 1% of men in the USA crossdress, so you're in very good company. Like you, they just don't talk about it. And therein lies part of your problem - you are very isolated and isolation can easily breed self-hatred and destructively avoidant behaviors.

So, Mr. Hard Hat, you need to educate yourself.

You're clearly comfortable online, so I suggest you get hold of a basket of books - you can order through Amazon if you don't want to walk into a bookstore or library . Peggy J. Rudd's book, "Crossdressing With Dignity: The Case for Transcending Gender Lines" might be a good place to start. You can also check out some of the online information and support sites for crossdressers. For example, take a look at the website of the Chicago Chapter of Tri-Ess which is a support group for cross-dressing men (and their girlfriends and wives if they have them.) In order to feel better about yourself you need to learn more about cross-dressing. You need to understand the myths about crossdressing and the realities.

In fact, let's start with some of those myths, shall we? First off, most crossdressers are not gay. The majority are red-blooded, heterosexual men who just happen to like wearing women's clothes from time to time. Crossdressing and gay drag queens are not synonymous.

Crossdressing frequently starts very young and it's extremely rare for men to begin dressing in their adult years, so you're like most other crossdressers in that you got interested in your mother's clothes when you were young.

The American Psychological Association does not believe crossdressing to be pathological behavior and current theory has it that crossdressing can't be cured. In fact, the failure rate for therapists trying to "cure" crossdressers is apparently abysmal so, to my mind, the primary goal of therapy is to help the client begin to come to terms with their crossdressing and make peace with themselves and their identity. Whether you find yourself less interested in crossdressing as a result, or clearer on the part you wish "dressing" to play in your life, my suggestion for you, Mr. Hard Hat, would be to do the same. Most crossdressers who come into therapy come because they are weary of hiding themselves, tired of feeling so at odds with the world and their identity. So therapy will not change your desire to crossdress, but if you find a good therapist it will help you to understand your desires more completely.

As for finding a girlfriend who will understand? Well, I suggest starting with understanding yourself first. There are plenty of women who will accept and love men who crossdress if you can be honest and upfront about who you are. But it starts there, Mr. Hard Hat. Like many crossdressers, threads of shame, humiliation, fear of discovery and compulsivity appear in your email. Life will be a lot more manageable if you aren't struggling with those heavy hitters! Plus, how can you expect somebody else to love and accept you if you are struggling with those very same issues yourself? Start there, Mr. Hard Hat. Like the L'Oreal commercials say, "You're worth it."

Best wishes,
Jassy