Confused and Loving Dad

Jassy:

I've been divorced from my ex for a little while now, and separated for even longer (3+ years). We have a 4.5 year old daughter together, and from the beginning of the separation, my ex has been dead set on having full physical custody of our daughter. I spent about a year fighting it, but after getting the same story of failure by a father to get custody in this state over and over again, I relented and agreed to a visitation schedule.

At first I felt like I needed to spend every opportunity that I could with my daughter, but as time has passed, I've remarried, and we're expecting a baby very soon. I love the time spent with my daughter, but that time is few and far between, and when she's at the house, all activities seem to focus on her. I feel guilty if I'm not paying 100% of my attention to her, but at the same time, I feel guilty that everything else in my life that needs to get done is not getting done. Now my ex has moved and she and my daughter live far away. Before, it was a 10 minute ride between houses (we moved specifically to be closer to my daughter), and now it's over an hour. My ex and I have been attempting to negotiate a new schedule, but she wants a schedule that has my daughter with me for most of the weekend. I have suggested that I have her every other weekend, and an overnight during the week. My ex is exasperated that I wouldn't want to spend the whole weekend with my daughter, but I have a life, that 6 days out of the week doesn't include my daughter, and I need to maintain that life. However, I'm made to feel guilty for not wanting to spend every free moment with my daughter. Also, my ex has moved in with her in-laws and lives about 3 miles away from her parents and brother. My wife and I have NOBODY who lives nearby and have a virtually non-existent support system, so when my daughter is with us...it's only us who can take care of her. We know for a fact that my ex's in-laws and parents do a lot of babysitting for my ex. I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest that my daughter spend one night a week overnight during the week and every other weekend, but there's a part of me that feels like I'm being a horrible father. My ex fought and fought to be sole custodian, and now it feels as if she might have regretted that, as she seems to want to spend weekends without her daughter. How do I stop feeling guilty and get my life back? This can't continue, especially after my new baby is born.I love my daughter very dearly and treasure every moment I spend with her, but I don't think my new family should suffer as a result. It doesn't make anyone happy.

**********************************************

Dear Confused and Loving Dad:

You are on a serious treadmill here, dear man. “How do I stop feeling guilty and get my life back?” This is the question that at some point or other most parents ask themselves and almost nothing brings that question up faster than a divorce. Ideally, your daughter would never have had to go through a divorce along with her parents. But this is not an ideal world. The reality is that there has been a divorce and you’ve done the best you can to be available to her, even down to moving to be closer to her. And it is also clear to me that you love her down to the bone. Soon she will have a sibling who will love and idolize her too, along with her father and new wife. In addition, your ex-wife has done a wonderful job of surrounding your daughter with family who will love her, spend time with her and care deeply for her. She has no shortage of loving care-givers.

The treadmill that you are on is a non-stop road to self-recrimination. If you stay on it, you will never ever come to a place of serenity in which you make peace with the fact that you are less than perfect. The idealized/perfect parent has no needs of their own, no faults, no problems and no imperfections. We all hoped for this from our own parents and were, of course, seriously disappointed. Part of growing up (and how we manage this task has a lot to do with how our parents handled their own feelings of inadequacy) is to realize that our parents had shortcomings, and that we still somehow survived magnificently at best, and intact at worst. Work on forgiving yourself, Confused Dad. Just that, forgive yourself. Then it won't be okay or acceptable in any way if your daughter and your ex-wife are angry with you or disappointed in you. Continue always to express your honest love and affection for your daughter. Make the moments that you do have with her count, whether it’s every other weekend and one night or one weekend in three. Be always respectful towards your ex-wife, no matter what gets thrown your way. Don’t get tied into trying to make people change the story they have in their head about you, regardless of whether it’s your ex-wife or your dear daughter. Their stories do not have to be your stories.

When it’s appropriate, you will have the opportunity to freely admit to all the ways you failed your daughter and apologize. For her part, as she gets older she will need to forgive you for not being perfect, both then and now. All parents go through this (and in my mind’s eye, I imagine my own daughter reading this and thinking, “Oh boy, ain’t that the truth!”) and learning to forgive yourself will enable you to step off that treadmill.

I have one big suggestion for you and your new wife. You need to find yourself a support system of other parents or caring friends. Ask one of your friends to set up 3 weeks of potluck dinners for you and your wife when the baby arrives. Hire a cleaner for the first few months if finances permit. Advertise on Craigslist for a new parent’s support group or put a sign in your local library. Put some thought into how you will make connections with other people. Form a babysitting coop for a few months down the line. Take these things seriously. Couple burnout is high when a new baby arrives as you will probably remember from your daughter’s birth.

Remember. Forgive yourself. Nobody else can do that for you.

Warmly,
Jassy