Gay (but not telling!)

Dear Jassy:

I gather that, judging from all the various gay and lesbian sites your name and professional contact information turns up on, you are gay and lesbian friendly. So, I'm taking the risk of sending you an email about a problem that I have. I ask only that you not publish my name and/or email address.

I'm 29 years old, and good looking in a wholesome, preppy way, athletic and toned. I went to an Ivy League school, have an MBA and recently got engaged to a really nice girl. So far, so good, right? The problem is that I'm pretty sure that I'm gay. I've had what you could call "illict" (sic) affairs since I was an early teen - things that went beyond the usual "circle jerk" at summer camp. I've dated women alongside my activities with guys, mostly for a front. The main reasons for this is that my family is very homophobic. I am making a very good living, but also have a trust fund which provides me with an excellent cushion. I live in Manhattan, and own my very small condo outright. If my parents knew that I was gay I'm pretty sure that they would cut off my trust fund, so I don't intend to tell them. I don't tend to "date" men, preferring just to pick up guys at bars after-hours. I would never take them back to my place, because I wouldn't want to run the risk of bumping into my fiancee. I'm not seeing this as a major problem, because I'm not interested in settling down with another guy - it's out of the question. My fiancee is a good person. We have a so-so sex life (I don't think she's that into sex, actually) that seems to keep her happy, so I'm guessing that I'm not doing anything wrong by having guys on the side. (I always practice safe-sex). What do you think?

"Gay On The Side"

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Dear Mr. Gay on the Side:

Yes, I am most definitely gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and intersex (GLBTI) friendly. I also consider myself to be a "sex positive" psychotherapist, not judgmental or critical about sexual practice that doesn't harm, hurt or otherwise screw with people's emotional and/or physical well-being. So I have to admit that part of me thinks that this email has to be some sort of prank, because I can't really believe that you're serious. I've been sitting staring at the computer screen just dumbfounded, not knowing how to respond. How on earth to respond? I've started replying to your email on several occasions, but have been unsure how to approach your question. Do I present as non-judgmental, which is my normal way of being and feeling in the world ? Do I keep my opinions to myself and be empathic with your situation? So, my response to you is being written as a human being who happens to be a psychotherapist. This is my opinion based only on what you've told me, and it is most definitely not therapy.

What you describe is wrong on so many levels, I barely know where to start. So while I am GLBTI friendly and affirming, I don't find myself feeling very friendly towards you and here's why.

You are telling me that you are a closeted gay man, who likes his affluent lifestyle. As a way of maintaining this lifestyle, you have become engaged to an unfortunate young woman, against whom you commit numerous infidelities, in order to maintain a veneer of heterosexual respectability so that your parents don't financially disinherit you. You have sex with her periodically but obviously not very good sex given that she "isn't that into sex actually" (and people usually want to have sex if it's the kind of sex they want to have, buddy!) and it is your intent to continue with this lifestyle?

It seems to me that you are not the one with the problem.

Your fiancee is the one who has the problem. And that problem is you!

I implore you to consider breaking this relationship off now before you cause any great emotional damage to the young woman to whom you are engaged. She deserves better. If you are under any illusion as to the moral and ethical wrongness of what you describe, take your email (and my reply) to any other psychotherapist and see what they tell you. I also suggest that you look under the word "Sociopathy" in the dictionary and see what you come up with. Your complete lack of empathy or self-awareness would indicate you might have a problem.

Jassy

Note to readers of this blog: For any homophobes reading this, sociopathy is NOT any more prevalent in the GLBT population than in the heterosexual population. This man's behavior is not because he's gay. He appears to have a limited capacity for empathy and caring, that is nothing to do with his sexual orientation and smacks of a personality disorder.