Running Into My Old Therapist

Hi there, Jassy:

I'm a big fan. I think I've read just about every post and have found it helpful to read about your life as a shrink, so thanks and keep writing. I like the new format where you answer people's emails, and thought you could maybe help me with a small dilemma.

My question is actually about ex therapists, not current ones.

I live in a small town in Northern California. I saw a therapist here for about a year. She was good and helped me sort out some problems I was having. I came to the end of the piece of work I was doing and the shrink and I agreed that the treatment was over. I was a bit embarrassed about being in therapy, mostly because I was having erectile problems - I didn't really tell anybody I was doing it, because I didn't want people to think I was a head case or nut job.

Since then, I've bumped into her in a couple of places. Once was in a social situation at a party and another time I was out for dinner (actually on a blind date!) and my old shrink was sitting at the next table. It felt a little awkward, and kinda cramped my style with this new date I was on. I didn't quite know how to address running into each other on either occasion. At the party somebody introduced us, and we just said hello and smiled. She looked nearly as embarrassed as I felt. At dinner, I just ignored her sitting at the next table. Is there a protocol for this kind of thing and if so, what is it?

Ex Therapy Client in NoCal

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Dear Ex Therapy Client:

This is a good question and one that often comes up for folks in therapy. My answer is largely dictated by you saying that you had kept your therapy private and had not shared your experience with people you know.

If I think that my path and that of my clients are likely to cross, I often have a conversation with them and ask them how they would like me to respond if we run into each other outside of the office. Some people say that they don't know how they would want me to respond, but if they say "Hi" to me, it's okay for me to respond. Some people tell me that they would like me to smile and say hello if they're alone, but ignore them if they are out with people. Some folks say, "Hell, I don't care - come on over and say hi!" and other people would just prefer that we not acknowledge each other. I guess my suggestion for you is to figure out what your preferences would be and then call your former therapist and explain the situation to her. You can tell her how you felt on the occasions when you ran into each other, and let her know if you have a preferred way of handling this. Therapists understand that this can be difficult to navigate, and I'm sure your former therapist will agree to anything that makes life more comfortable for you.

An important thing to remember is that your therapist is ethically bound to maintain your confidentiality no matter whether she or he is inside their office or outside of it. While it is a shock to run into our therapists when we are least expecting it, our expectation should always be that they would never "blow our cover. " When introduced by an unsuspecting guest at a party, therapists are NOT allowed to say, "Oh yes, I know Mr. Incognito! We see each other every Monday morning at 9am and talk about his erectile problems!" or anything that indicates they know you in the context of a therapeutic relationship.

On a couple of occasions, I have run into clients in place where I least expected to see anybody I knew and I think we probably have both looked at each other like deer caught in the headlights. But the next time we saw each other in session, we talked about the chance meeting and how my clients would prefer to handle such a situation in future. For any therapist, regardless of the feelings they themselves might have at accidentally running into a client, their priority is ensuring that the client (or former client) can rely on their confidentiality being protected.

I hope this was helpful and good luck talking to your therapist!

Jassy