Health At Any Size

I come from a long line of short, strong women ranging in size from voluptuous, to chubby-to-fat in girth, without exception sporting large breasts and wide hips. The women in my family live well into their late 80's and early 90's, with few health problems other than sore joints and seasonal colds. We have always eaten well and heartily. My own mother, nearly 79, still works out at the gym a few times a week, does numerous laps in the Olympic size pool there, still does her own home repairs, and likes to regularly go belly-dancing with my sister. For her 77th birthday, she went rappelling down the side of a 200 foot building and sent me the photos framed as a birthday present. She says she'd like to go hang gliding sometime in the next year or so. She shows no signs of slowing down yet. And she's for sure no light-weight.

If you've seen my photo, you'll know that I have not let the maternal side down. I'm most definitely fat. I tried not to be for years, but I am. That's just me. "Porky of bod," to quote an old friend (and I've come to love that expression) and it doesn't seem to change, no matter what I've managed to do to artificially shape-shift through dieting and (many, many years ago) a not-so-charming eating disorder. It never lasts and I'm miserable while I'm trying, so I've stopped. But I eat healthily and well for the most part, although I am planning to exercise more than I do. I'm in a sedentary occupation, with broken knees (a double knee replacement is in my future) and despite my occasional earlier incarnations as a gym-and-beach-bunny, in my nearly mid 50's I'm beginning to come to terms with the fact that this is just me - who I am - a fat (yes folks, it's just an adjective) therapist with above average intelligence, a big heart and a fairly healthy constitution.

I believe in "health at any size." I don't consider that being fat condemns people to a lifetime of diabetes and heart-disease, and I think that making healthy food choices is important because we only get one body and it's good to honor the one we get. Exercise is important for the same reason. (I'm not going to fight with folks about this - go look at Kate Harding's blog - she's written about this far better than I ever could.) I know that my perspective is an unpopular one, but I also think that time and adequate research will prove what most size-acceptance activists already know - it ain't that bad to be fat, if you are eating well and moving your bones regularly!

My granddaughter is 9 years old. A huge fan of Beyonce, Hilary Duff, Miley Cyrus and Fergie she sings along with her mother in the car, as the radio blares. Most of the words are beyond her understanding, but she's beginning to comprehend the idea that it's important to be "sexy" and that for some reason having the right kind of body is important. She's heard that being bootylicious is good, but fat is bad, although with a size-acceptance grandmother, she understands that laughing at fat people is not kosher and despite this, sadly, I have overheard her occasionally as she succumbs to the use of mockery, the chosen tool of most oppressors, when she sees fat people, young or old, on TV. For right now, she's a gymnast, muscular, slender, strong and lithe. And like many women who walk through my office door each day, she's confused. If bootylicious is good and "shaking your jelly" a la Beyonce is fine, where is the line between that and being overweight or fat?

"Are you bootylicious?" she asks my daughter the other day.
"Why yes, I suppose I am!" says my daughter, herself curvy with ample "toppage."
"Will I be bootylicious?" asks granddaughter, a furrow forming between her eyebrows.
My daughter, contemplating her own heritage, replies "Yes, sweetie, you will be bootylicious sometime in the near future."

Granddaughter is relieved, but I believe she's still confused. I think she's wondering how on earth you maintain bootyliciousness without sliding into fatness?

I can't think of one single female client I've had who hasn't, at some point, talked about the same confusion, and complained about the body they're in. Occasionally a man will talk half-heartedly about "getting in shape" but it's rare that they exhibit the same self-hatred as the women. Some women won't have sex for fear of their partner seeing their bodies. Some won't allow their photograph to be taken because they can't stand to see themselves. Some give up on big damn lives because of the body they have, the self-hatred they have and the flesh on their bones. Some won't go for walks, won't go swimming, don't go dancing even though they really want to, don't pursue relationship because they don't consider themselves desirable, lovable, sexy and attractive. Some of them count each calorie,and live lives of numeric and caloric turmoil as a result. Some of them have had weight-loss surgery, despite the health and morbidity risks attached. Few of them will make eye-contact with me as they talk about their hatred of their bodies. I try to reassure them that it's fine to talk about with me. However, if you're looking for diet support, I'm not a good person to come to. I encourage my clients to do what I try to do as best I can. Live as big a life as you can without being so concerned with the shell you're living it in. Eat healthily and heartily and stop when you've had enough and are full. Have sex. Get wet in a swim pool. Get mad when somebody tells you that you don't have a right to a life of joy, excitement, companionship, sexy times until you've changed your body size. This is your one shot at life in the body you have.

Settling In To Life As A Northampton Therapist

Moving to Western Massachusetts has been a culture shock in many ways. There are sights, sounds, smells and personalities to familiarize myself with, and as somebody who lived most of my life in an urban setting, the learning curve is enjoyable, but steep.

The small town I live in is very rural, and other than a small log cabin near our home, there are no houses for half a mile and then another 2 miles before you come to the next building - the local (and only) grocery store. Despite the fact that our land is on a fairly major (for Western Mass) route, sometimes more than 15 minutes goes by without a car, truck or tractor driving past. During an ice-storm, few cars can get make it up the steep hill just past our house and when the ice and snow have carpeted the road surface with such a thick slick of slippery white, and we leave the lights on around our driveway to let people know that if they are stuck, they can call friends to be towed, and have a cup of tea while they thaw out and wait to be rescued. In between frequent snow and ice storms the road surfaces are visible and what was once a smooth road surface now ripples with frost heaves; parts of the road are almost split in half where the town didn't get around to crack sealing in time for the winter freeze.

One of the local farmers owns the corn field across from our driveway, and as spring approaches he tows cart-loads of manure and dumps it in the field, ready to spread it over the cornfield, readying it for the summer crop. Right now, the manure is frozen in dark clumps, forming piles which stand out starkly against the snowscape in the field. But as soon as the thaw comes, the manure will warm up and the smell will be unbearable to us city-slickers for a couple of days. I'm sure that we'll get used to it after a few years, but for the moment the smell is strong and unpleasant, as much as we appreciate the benefit it brings to the soil.

People are friendly and welcoming, but cautious and understandably so. I've been told by new friends that local people are wary of growing too close to those "flatlanders" who have newly arrived in the hill towns region of Western Mass. Apparently, as life can be harsh and hard here, sometimes people give up and return to their urban ways, leaving their rural friends behind. So there's a cautious "wait and see" approach to newbies in town. Your impact on a small town is much, much larger than the one you'd have in an urban town setting, and it's wise to be careful and even more respectful towards neighbors than you would normally. We clearly need each other more out here. Alienating neighbors is not a good idea.

I have always enjoyed spending time alone, and can wile away hour upon hour with books, writing letters, journaling and reading professional journals and magazines. Now a lot of my time seems to be taken in driving. Sometimes it takes me as much as three hours to get into Watertown where I spend two days a week seeing clients at my Watertown office. When I'm back at home, I have a 40 minute (19 mile) drive into Northampton to see clients one to two days a week. I plug in my Blue Tooth headset, and talk on my phone to friends and family on the long drives backwards and forwards down the Massachusetts Turnpike, and my CD box is overflowing with music that I listen to in between phone calls. I would still rather be sitting with my legs up on our over-stuffed leather couch, reading a book, but music and phone calls make the trips bearable.

My practice is still building in Northampton, but meanwhile my online therapy practice more than keeps me busy. I have developed a sub-specialty in working with transgender active duty military personnel (and sometimes their family members), and as my name gets passed around transgender chat rooms and transgender support sites online, this practice continues to build. (There is much to say about this, and my intent is to write a series of blogs on the issues facing people who are transgender and serving in the armed forces.) Meanwhile, sitting at my computer upstairs in my study wearing fluffy flannel pajamas, warm slippers and my favorite Pashmina around my shoulders (purchased by my mother as a present for me at a store in Heathrow Airport) conducting therapy online with a soldier stationed in Iraq is another wonderful way to pursue a life as a therapist, and adds greatly to the quality of my professional life that I can conduct some part of it in my PJ's!

Northampton is delightful. The town is fully of bijou restaurants, music venues and clothing stores, one-of-a-kind art stores, and so many bookstores that I feel as if I've died and gone to heaven. They don't call this area "Happy Valley" for nothing! Suffice to say that this is not a welcoming place to live for republicans. The town is very gay and lesbian friendly and while it's not as ethnically diverse as I would like, there's plenty of room for all sorts of people. People watching here is a delight. I described it to a friend as being "Harvard Square on steroids." I don't think I've ever seen as many white people with dreadlocks in my life!

Being one of only three sex therapists in the immediate area of Northampton and Amherst has also meant that I've been met with a very big and friendly welcome by local psychotherapists, eager for places to make referrals for clients struggling with sexual disorders. So, I've been invited to join online lists of local psychotherapists in private practice; I've received invitations to meet and socialize in local restaurants with like-minded clinicians; people have freely shared their resources whether it be suggestions for where to find office space, or how to locate a good billing person. I've been stunned at how fast I've made friends - what took years to accomplish in Boston, has happened in a matter of months in Northampton. So, my practice here has been growing nicely, and I love my new office space on King Street. In addition to being just a brisk walk into the hustle and bustle of the downtown area, there's also the benefit of being set back from the street, so my office is quiet and peaceful no matter what the time of day.

I feel quite blessed these days.