Bored in Bed in Baltimore

Dear Jassy:

My husband and I have been married for 5 years. In the beginning, our sexual relationship was fine. We were very attracted to each other, and we had great sex together - leastways, it was okay sex. I enjoy sex a great deal and consider myself a very sexual person. I've had several sexual partners prior to my husband, and some of those relationships were very sexually inventive and hot, hot, hot!

My husband was hot-to-trot in the early months of our relationship, so for the first two years (we married a year after we met) we had sex 4-5 times a week. Sometimes he would initiate and more often I would. We have an active social life, inidividually and together, and decided early on that neither of us wanted to be parents, so we have a great deal of freedom to come and go, have weekends away frequently and take vacations together whenever we can.

In the last few years, I've grown really bored of our sexual relationship. I have tried hinting to him that I would like to try something different, but he just won't budge. He becomes very defensive, and irritable and says that he's still enjoying it and he can't understand what's the matter with me that I'm not enjoying it too. Our initiation schedule has changed around drastically - I never initiate sex now, and am really only having sex with him so as not to hurt his feelings. I've avoided having weekends away together in the last year or so, because he always expects to have sex and I'm just not interested. The problem is not that I'm not interested in having sex, but that I'm not interested in having sex with him. I'm in my early 30's and think I'm fairly attractive - I get hit on quite frequently when I'm out with friends, and I have to confess that sometimes I've been tempted to take up some of the men on their offers. I am not the cheating type, and I do love my husband very much. I just don't feel much sexual desire for him these days and don't know what to do about it.

I have enjoyed the common sense approach you have towards people and their problems, and would appreciate any insight you may have into my situation. Before you say anything, yes, I do understand that my husband and I would benefit from couples counseling. (Do you know any sex therapists in the Baltimore area?)

Thank you for any light you can shine on the problem my husband and I are having.

Signed: Ms. Bored in Bed in Baltimore

******************************************

Dear Ms. BBB:

Oh boy. Where do I start?

It's hard to be one half of a couple for all kinds of reasons. But interestingly, the first six months don't tend to be that challenging, right? The making out and the sex can be fabulous and, even if it isn't, it's so exciting being around that new person that the constant state of arousal you're in seems to make up for their lack of technique, their inability to talk about sex, possible shyness and reluctance, or numerous other ways in which your new person isn't perfect. But once the rot sets in, it seems to really set.

I can't tell you the number of folks who walk through my office door and confide in me that they don't enjoy having sex with their partners, and that they are only "going through the motions." When push comes to shove, they can come up with all kinds of reasons why they don't want to have sex - but the truth is that most of us want to have sex if it's the kind of sex we want to have. You are clear that you want to have sex, just not with your husband. Your problem is that if you don't start getting clearer with him about just how disgruntled you are feeling about your sexual life together, you are going to end up talking to lawyers. In the long run despite the discomfort you may feel, it's infinitely preferable to have honest conversations with our partners about our sexual lives than it is to dig deep into our savings accounts and credit cards to pay lawyers for costly divorce processes.

You don't go into the kinds of sex you do enjoy having, but I'm going to guess that you and your husband have different sexual styles. I'm also guessing that to some other woman, your husband's sexual style would be their idea of heaven on earth. It's just not rocking your world, right? So, it's worth figuring out what you do want (and it's surprising how many folks haven't given this much thought!). The idea of sexual styles was developed by a brilliant man called Charles Mosher. There are three main styles, and usually folks can see themselves either clearly in one style or else a combination of two. There's no "right" or "wrong" style - they are all just different and all valuable. The trick is finding a way to work with the style that you have if your partner's sexual style differs greatly from yours. Trancers tend to be easily distracted when having sex. They tend to like diffuse or no light, are easily put off by sounds outside the room and within, and aren't the greatest "talkers" in the boudoir. They are into the visceral experience of being sexual - body contact, the dreamy quality arousal gives them. On the whole, their sexual fantasies appear somewhat esoteric. "Well..when the sunlight hit that woman's hair...the way her hair gleamed ...I felt warmth in my body..."etc. Partner Engagers are the big time romancers in the crowd. They are the rose-petals-on-the-bed-folks; they will look into your eyes, murmur sweet (and not so sweet!) nothings in your ear; they are all about the relationship between themself and their partner; their sexual fantasies have themes of partnering, emotional intimacy and connection. They like candle-light, want to see and be seen. Role Enactors are what I like to call the "Mile High Folks." They are creative sexually, have numerous ideas of things they want to try, are sexually adventurous and will try anything once. They are the folks having sex in the elevator, in a crowded train, in the bathroom 1 mile up in the airplane! Their sexual fantasies are wild, creative and varied.

My suggestion is that you go back to your husband, armed with the information about sexual styles, and be willing to have the conversation about what really (and I mean REALLY) turns you on. What was the best sexual experience you ever had with your husband? What made it good? What do you not like about what he does? What do you particularly like? How do you like to be approached? Is there any way that the two of you can overlap styles so that it's more satisfying for both of you?

If you get stuck and need help with the conversation, look on the American Association for Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists website and look for a sex therapist in your area.

One final word - I'm glad that you've resisted the urge to cheat on your husband. This would just make a complicated situation even harder. Talk with him now, before it gets any worse. You deserve to have the kind of sexual relationship that you both find satisfying.

Good luck!

Jassy

Gay (but not telling!)

Dear Jassy:

I gather that, judging from all the various gay and lesbian sites your name and professional contact information turns up on, you are gay and lesbian friendly. So, I'm taking the risk of sending you an email about a problem that I have. I ask only that you not publish my name and/or email address.

I'm 29 years old, and good looking in a wholesome, preppy way, athletic and toned. I went to an Ivy League school, have an MBA and recently got engaged to a really nice girl. So far, so good, right? The problem is that I'm pretty sure that I'm gay. I've had what you could call "illict" (sic) affairs since I was an early teen - things that went beyond the usual "circle jerk" at summer camp. I've dated women alongside my activities with guys, mostly for a front. The main reasons for this is that my family is very homophobic. I am making a very good living, but also have a trust fund which provides me with an excellent cushion. I live in Manhattan, and own my very small condo outright. If my parents knew that I was gay I'm pretty sure that they would cut off my trust fund, so I don't intend to tell them. I don't tend to "date" men, preferring just to pick up guys at bars after-hours. I would never take them back to my place, because I wouldn't want to run the risk of bumping into my fiancee. I'm not seeing this as a major problem, because I'm not interested in settling down with another guy - it's out of the question. My fiancee is a good person. We have a so-so sex life (I don't think she's that into sex, actually) that seems to keep her happy, so I'm guessing that I'm not doing anything wrong by having guys on the side. (I always practice safe-sex). What do you think?

"Gay On The Side"

*****************************

Dear Mr. Gay on the Side:

Yes, I am most definitely gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and intersex (GLBTI) friendly. I also consider myself to be a "sex positive" psychotherapist, not judgmental or critical about sexual practice that doesn't harm, hurt or otherwise screw with people's emotional and/or physical well-being. So I have to admit that part of me thinks that this email has to be some sort of prank, because I can't really believe that you're serious. I've been sitting staring at the computer screen just dumbfounded, not knowing how to respond. How on earth to respond? I've started replying to your email on several occasions, but have been unsure how to approach your question. Do I present as non-judgmental, which is my normal way of being and feeling in the world ? Do I keep my opinions to myself and be empathic with your situation? So, my response to you is being written as a human being who happens to be a psychotherapist. This is my opinion based only on what you've told me, and it is most definitely not therapy.

What you describe is wrong on so many levels, I barely know where to start. So while I am GLBTI friendly and affirming, I don't find myself feeling very friendly towards you and here's why.

You are telling me that you are a closeted gay man, who likes his affluent lifestyle. As a way of maintaining this lifestyle, you have become engaged to an unfortunate young woman, against whom you commit numerous infidelities, in order to maintain a veneer of heterosexual respectability so that your parents don't financially disinherit you. You have sex with her periodically but obviously not very good sex given that she "isn't that into sex actually" (and people usually want to have sex if it's the kind of sex they want to have, buddy!) and it is your intent to continue with this lifestyle?

It seems to me that you are not the one with the problem.

Your fiancee is the one who has the problem. And that problem is you!

I implore you to consider breaking this relationship off now before you cause any great emotional damage to the young woman to whom you are engaged. She deserves better. If you are under any illusion as to the moral and ethical wrongness of what you describe, take your email (and my reply) to any other psychotherapist and see what they tell you. I also suggest that you look under the word "Sociopathy" in the dictionary and see what you come up with. Your complete lack of empathy or self-awareness would indicate you might have a problem.

Jassy

Note to readers of this blog: For any homophobes reading this, sociopathy is NOT any more prevalent in the GLBT population than in the heterosexual population. This man's behavior is not because he's gay. He appears to have a limited capacity for empathy and caring, that is nothing to do with his sexual orientation and smacks of a personality disorder.

Running Into My Old Therapist

Hi there, Jassy:

I'm a big fan. I think I've read just about every post and have found it helpful to read about your life as a shrink, so thanks and keep writing. I like the new format where you answer people's emails, and thought you could maybe help me with a small dilemma.

My question is actually about ex therapists, not current ones.

I live in a small town in Northern California. I saw a therapist here for about a year. She was good and helped me sort out some problems I was having. I came to the end of the piece of work I was doing and the shrink and I agreed that the treatment was over. I was a bit embarrassed about being in therapy, mostly because I was having erectile problems - I didn't really tell anybody I was doing it, because I didn't want people to think I was a head case or nut job.

Since then, I've bumped into her in a couple of places. Once was in a social situation at a party and another time I was out for dinner (actually on a blind date!) and my old shrink was sitting at the next table. It felt a little awkward, and kinda cramped my style with this new date I was on. I didn't quite know how to address running into each other on either occasion. At the party somebody introduced us, and we just said hello and smiled. She looked nearly as embarrassed as I felt. At dinner, I just ignored her sitting at the next table. Is there a protocol for this kind of thing and if so, what is it?

Ex Therapy Client in NoCal

***************************************

Dear Ex Therapy Client:

This is a good question and one that often comes up for folks in therapy. My answer is largely dictated by you saying that you had kept your therapy private and had not shared your experience with people you know.

If I think that my path and that of my clients are likely to cross, I often have a conversation with them and ask them how they would like me to respond if we run into each other outside of the office. Some people say that they don't know how they would want me to respond, but if they say "Hi" to me, it's okay for me to respond. Some people tell me that they would like me to smile and say hello if they're alone, but ignore them if they are out with people. Some folks say, "Hell, I don't care - come on over and say hi!" and other people would just prefer that we not acknowledge each other. I guess my suggestion for you is to figure out what your preferences would be and then call your former therapist and explain the situation to her. You can tell her how you felt on the occasions when you ran into each other, and let her know if you have a preferred way of handling this. Therapists understand that this can be difficult to navigate, and I'm sure your former therapist will agree to anything that makes life more comfortable for you.

An important thing to remember is that your therapist is ethically bound to maintain your confidentiality no matter whether she or he is inside their office or outside of it. While it is a shock to run into our therapists when we are least expecting it, our expectation should always be that they would never "blow our cover. " When introduced by an unsuspecting guest at a party, therapists are NOT allowed to say, "Oh yes, I know Mr. Incognito! We see each other every Monday morning at 9am and talk about his erectile problems!" or anything that indicates they know you in the context of a therapeutic relationship.

On a couple of occasions, I have run into clients in place where I least expected to see anybody I knew and I think we probably have both looked at each other like deer caught in the headlights. But the next time we saw each other in session, we talked about the chance meeting and how my clients would prefer to handle such a situation in future. For any therapist, regardless of the feelings they themselves might have at accidentally running into a client, their priority is ensuring that the client (or former client) can rely on their confidentiality being protected.

I hope this was helpful and good luck talking to your therapist!

Jassy

Confused and Loving Dad

Jassy:

I've been divorced from my ex for a little while now, and separated for even longer (3+ years). We have a 4.5 year old daughter together, and from the beginning of the separation, my ex has been dead set on having full physical custody of our daughter. I spent about a year fighting it, but after getting the same story of failure by a father to get custody in this state over and over again, I relented and agreed to a visitation schedule.

At first I felt like I needed to spend every opportunity that I could with my daughter, but as time has passed, I've remarried, and we're expecting a baby very soon. I love the time spent with my daughter, but that time is few and far between, and when she's at the house, all activities seem to focus on her. I feel guilty if I'm not paying 100% of my attention to her, but at the same time, I feel guilty that everything else in my life that needs to get done is not getting done. Now my ex has moved and she and my daughter live far away. Before, it was a 10 minute ride between houses (we moved specifically to be closer to my daughter), and now it's over an hour. My ex and I have been attempting to negotiate a new schedule, but she wants a schedule that has my daughter with me for most of the weekend. I have suggested that I have her every other weekend, and an overnight during the week. My ex is exasperated that I wouldn't want to spend the whole weekend with my daughter, but I have a life, that 6 days out of the week doesn't include my daughter, and I need to maintain that life. However, I'm made to feel guilty for not wanting to spend every free moment with my daughter. Also, my ex has moved in with her in-laws and lives about 3 miles away from her parents and brother. My wife and I have NOBODY who lives nearby and have a virtually non-existent support system, so when my daughter is with us...it's only us who can take care of her. We know for a fact that my ex's in-laws and parents do a lot of babysitting for my ex. I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest that my daughter spend one night a week overnight during the week and every other weekend, but there's a part of me that feels like I'm being a horrible father. My ex fought and fought to be sole custodian, and now it feels as if she might have regretted that, as she seems to want to spend weekends without her daughter. How do I stop feeling guilty and get my life back? This can't continue, especially after my new baby is born.I love my daughter very dearly and treasure every moment I spend with her, but I don't think my new family should suffer as a result. It doesn't make anyone happy.

**********************************************

Dear Confused and Loving Dad:

You are on a serious treadmill here, dear man. “How do I stop feeling guilty and get my life back?” This is the question that at some point or other most parents ask themselves and almost nothing brings that question up faster than a divorce. Ideally, your daughter would never have had to go through a divorce along with her parents. But this is not an ideal world. The reality is that there has been a divorce and you’ve done the best you can to be available to her, even down to moving to be closer to her. And it is also clear to me that you love her down to the bone. Soon she will have a sibling who will love and idolize her too, along with her father and new wife. In addition, your ex-wife has done a wonderful job of surrounding your daughter with family who will love her, spend time with her and care deeply for her. She has no shortage of loving care-givers.

The treadmill that you are on is a non-stop road to self-recrimination. If you stay on it, you will never ever come to a place of serenity in which you make peace with the fact that you are less than perfect. The idealized/perfect parent has no needs of their own, no faults, no problems and no imperfections. We all hoped for this from our own parents and were, of course, seriously disappointed. Part of growing up (and how we manage this task has a lot to do with how our parents handled their own feelings of inadequacy) is to realize that our parents had shortcomings, and that we still somehow survived magnificently at best, and intact at worst. Work on forgiving yourself, Confused Dad. Just that, forgive yourself. Then it won't be okay or acceptable in any way if your daughter and your ex-wife are angry with you or disappointed in you. Continue always to express your honest love and affection for your daughter. Make the moments that you do have with her count, whether it’s every other weekend and one night or one weekend in three. Be always respectful towards your ex-wife, no matter what gets thrown your way. Don’t get tied into trying to make people change the story they have in their head about you, regardless of whether it’s your ex-wife or your dear daughter. Their stories do not have to be your stories.

When it’s appropriate, you will have the opportunity to freely admit to all the ways you failed your daughter and apologize. For her part, as she gets older she will need to forgive you for not being perfect, both then and now. All parents go through this (and in my mind’s eye, I imagine my own daughter reading this and thinking, “Oh boy, ain’t that the truth!”) and learning to forgive yourself will enable you to step off that treadmill.

I have one big suggestion for you and your new wife. You need to find yourself a support system of other parents or caring friends. Ask one of your friends to set up 3 weeks of potluck dinners for you and your wife when the baby arrives. Hire a cleaner for the first few months if finances permit. Advertise on Craigslist for a new parent’s support group or put a sign in your local library. Put some thought into how you will make connections with other people. Form a babysitting coop for a few months down the line. Take these things seriously. Couple burnout is high when a new baby arrives as you will probably remember from your daughter’s birth.

Remember. Forgive yourself. Nobody else can do that for you.

Warmly,
Jassy