Thinking About Your Therapist

I received this email today, and asked permission to post it with my response. I agreed to leave the email address off to protect the blog reader's identity.

The Question:

"I've been in therapy for 2 years, so it's kind of interesting to hear from "the other side of the couch!" I have a question. If it is inappropriate or illegal to answer it, that's okay. I don't want anyone to get into trouble. I think about my therapist a lot. (at least 2x an hour) Not in a sexual way, meaning in a friendship way, wishing she was more a part of my regular life. I think this is because I have so much trust in her. I am always thinking, "What would G say in this situation?". What if G was watching me?" Is this normal? If not, what should I do so that I don't ruminate as much."

My Response:

The feelings you are describing are very normal and are experienced by many people who embark on therapy. However, explaining the therapy relationship is a difficult task. How do you explain a relationship in which one person gets to know your innermost thoughts and feelings more so than nearly anybody else in your life, and yet you know little or nothing about them? How do you explain the process of walking in through the door, and sitting down for an hour and talking with somebody about whom you know nothing, and yet feeling as if you could trust them with nearly anything? There are very few places in our life where the times we spend with a person are totally and completely focused on what is happening in our individual lives, with the express purpose of helping us to solve our problems and make our lives go smoother. Therapy is one of them. For those people who had less than stellar parental relationships, the relationship that grows with a therapist can also be seen as an opportunity to “re-do” that original nurturing relationship over again, to master what was out of our control back then.

In order for your therapist to be able to help you, sometimes you have to feel complex and often uncomfortable feelings. Withholding information from your therapist is not going to help you deal with this discomfort – sometimes the only way out is through. In other words, be willing to tell your therapist things that you would not ordinarily tell another person. In this particular case, I would suggest taking the bull by the horns and sharing either your email, or telling your therapist what you are feeling. I understand any possible reluctance about doing so. There are many reasons to avoid experiencing uncomfortable feelings like embarrassment, fear of rejection, fear of feeling humiliated, exposed, vulnerable and even possibly hurt. Any therapist worth their salt will recognize the value in talking over your feelings with you, and using the avenue of your feelings towards them as a way of exploring your hopes and fears about intimacy in relationships, past, present and future. One point of building a strong, working alliance with a therapist is to have the opportunity for what are known as “corrective experiences.” Talking about this with your therapist should enable you to feel un-judged, accepted, respected and cared for. There’s even a name for what you are experiencing. It’s called “transference” and it’s arguably one of the most important parts of therapy. Transference is a little like entering a time machine. Feelings from the past, along with hopes and fears from the past are magically transported into the present day and attach themselves with longing to the therapist. I suggest taking the risk of telling her what’s really going on with you, and be willing to examine, with your therapist, the feelings that come up.

I’m a good believer in “talking about talking.” In other words, maybe the first conversation you have with your therapist about your feelings starts like this:

“There’s something I want to tell you, but I’m scared of the
feelings that I might have when I explain what I’ve been
feeling. I’m scared that you might laugh at me, or get
embarrassed and that will make it harder for me to talk. So
can we talk about those feelings first before I tell you what
I’ve been thinking about?”

I think you'll find that talking about your "ruminating" with your therapist will help the feelings to find their rightful place in your life.

Many thanks and good luck to the person who emailed me this question,
and I hope that this post helps.